Note: This was part of my college application in Ateneo De Manila University, unfortunately, I did not get in.
Additionally, I'm suck at tenses!
Everybody scrabbles for different challenges in life—some with fellow human, others with nature, and commonly with him/herself. I, once, experienced and endured one of those battles.
Suffering from mental illness was and is never easy. This is some kind of a battle with the absence of weapons. It has something to do with fighting the demon inside my head. I played innocent contrary to my vivid understanding of my personal worth.
It was all started when I began questioning and fearing everything the way I should have not and must have not. I began comparing my life to the lives of other people which eventually led me to terrifying inferiority complex. Having a big adjustments due of responsibilities as a daughter, student and as a human being. Unending school paper works and getting unsatisfying grades made me lose motivation to study further. Numerous sleepless nights due of overthinking everything. And the lists goes on. These instances led me to self-pity. People might say that my problems are way too small compared to them. But, being emotionally weak is never easy. Even the smallest thing could be a biggest thing for me.
When darkness and sadness embraced me, I locked myself up not in my room, but in an overflowing and unending thoughts in my mind. It felt like I was breathing and was gradually choked by the air. Due to the constant attacks of personal issues, my depression got worse. I can't share how catastrophic my mind was to anyone. I felt like nobody has the capability to understand what is running inside my head--not even my parents. I felt that no one understands me, not even the most sympathetic church friend of mine or even the most compassionate listener in our group. No one knew how badly I wanted to get rid from that sadness. No one.
That unfortunate experience led me to unremitting questions of self-worth. I kept asking, What if I was not born, what will the world say? What will people feel? Will they feel sad or feel nothing at all? And for that fleeting moment, the demon inside my head answered, “You are just a dust in the universe. No one would sense if you are gone or not.” I just replied that with a sob in the bathroom. I felt like I was paralyzed [paralyzed by the thought that I am worthless].
I can't count on my fingers how many times I cried either how many times I tried to rethink how miserable I was before. I showed up to school like nothing happens. I talked to my mom like I was some usual daughter who's leading her usual life, when in fact, I was far-flung from being the usual.
I decided that those indefatigable issues in my head can only be resolved by faith. I decided to go to church every Sunday and hear interesting, edifying and propounding stories from random people and talks. I was so inspired to hear how Christ changed others’ lives. I was moved by how they surpassed the mountain-like afflictions and how Christ changed the color of their lives from darkness to interesting hue.
The idea of getting inspired while getting depressed became possible. Surprisingly, because that was exactly what I felt before. It seemed like I was floating in the abyss of darkness. I saw some light but wasn't that enough to awaken my sleeping mind. Nevertheless, the little part of me struggled and fought back. Thank you to that little part of me. I defeated the monster inside my head and found the light I desired the most. It was not just a plain light but the brightest and purest light. Thank you to the interesting books I have read, motivating movies I have watched, and uplifting music I have heard.
People around me unconsciously saved me from sadness, and God who didn't just save me from the chaos of the world but also from the chaos that my mind brought. Throughout the years of fighting to get rid from deep sadness and nonstop questioning of self-worth, I realized that the only person who could help us from the misery of darkness is ourselves. Despite of the great force of loneliness that takes us away from the good things on earth, our willingness to find the spark of light can be reached in the end. We must have a willing heart and mind to fight back the monster in our head.
Who you were before and who you are today were both different yet, unsurprisingly connected. You can't be the person you are today if it weren't from the person you were before.
The Nephi before who suffered from depression wasn't the unlucky however, indelible experience that helped her defined the person she is today. Now, you can optimistically embrace the courageous Nephi who once suffered defeated her own monster, her own fears.